They live in either a sub-optimal state or hope the situation will resolve itself. And the reality is many people do not deal with them well – or at all. Whole relationships can hang on how these are dealt with. If handled badly they can lead to breakdowns. If handled properly they create breakthroughs. There are three factors that tend to define a crucial conversation: 1) Opinions differ 2) The stakes are high and 3) Emotions are high. Communities that embraced the issues and discussed in open honest dialogue were ‘healthier’ than those who either tried to control or ignored them.Ĭrucial conversations, by their very definition are important and can affect a person’s life. When communities have been studied they found that it was not necessarily those communities with the most problems which were dysfunctional – but those communities that dealt with the issues inappropriately. Upon analysis they found those in the third camp were more likely to stay together.įurthermore, a study by Kiecolt & Glaser on the immune systems demonstrated that those couples who routinely failed in conducting successful crucial conversation had weaker immune systems than those who resolved their issues effectively. Notarius & Markham (two marriage scholars) examined couples in the midst of heated rows and found people fell into one of three behaviour camps: Those who get emotionally drawn in and resort to threats/name calling Those who silently fume and those who speak openly, honestly and effectively. The skills we need in the boardroom are the same skills we need in the bedroom. When we let these conversations go by, we let standards slip and unwittingly give permission for unwanted behaviour to continue.Ĭrucial conversations lie all around us – all the time: from performance appraisals at work, up to discussing problems over sexual intimacy. By being prepared to hold these conversations (often early) they ensure clarity over responsibility, define expectations and hence maintain high levels of performance. They are able to hold deeper, more honest conversations that create a new level of bonding and are able to transform people, situations and relationships. Some people seem better at negotiating better quality outcomes (for all) than others do – they work with people rather than through people. Our success in life is dictated by the quality of relationships we can engender. Their findings are based on 25 years of research with 20,000 people.ġ) Start with the heart (i.e empathy and positive intent)Ĥ) Don’t get hooked by emotion (or hook them) This book focuses on techniques on how to hold such conversations in a positive space when surrounded by highly charged emotions. Many ‘defining’ moments in life come from having crucial conversations (as these create significant shifts in attitude and behaviour). Summarised by Paul Arnold (Facilitator and Trainer) Crucial conversations – Tools for talking when the stakes are high by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Swizler.
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